We saw Vanessa tonight, when we dropped Lana and Charlie off at the shops, and i gotta say Miss Plumb is looking very pregnant. If she is all i gotta say is lmao, her mum thought i was a bad influence

I cat beleve it has been 1 yr already. The time has gone by so quickly. I feel as though i have known him my whole life. Yet im still learning new things about him everyday. To celebrate we went to the most amazing lil Mexican resturant for lunch ad he gave me a pair of cute little earrings and is getting me 2 more little tattoos tomorrow. cant wait...

We are in QLD atm and god it is good. We went to Dracula's Haunted House yesterday and i got freaked out on the first level and had to escape. Although i did go all the way through it waas fun. Today we went to Infinity. I cant believe he has never been. It went alot quicker than i remembered...
Tomorrow we are hanging out with Shane. if my holiday pay goes through then we will most probably go to playtime for a while and waste some money :D

im ready to snap. lana is driving me insane. i really think i need to go back to work. as starnge as it souunds i really really miss the place. im gonna talk to derek today and see what he think. i know he was hoping to have me back within 3 months and it hasnt even been 2 yet but im making progress so, fingers crossed

I'm over it. Its like my life is a tape and someone has pushed paused.I'm ready for somebody to come along and press play. I need to dosomething. I'm sick of sitting around waiting for this fucking arm toheal. I want my fucking life back. And i'm sick of the fear. Everytimei get in a car i'm scared i'm gonna die. I keep seeing the accidentover and over again in my head. I want it gone.
Having to find a new car seems to be bringing the nightmares back.Especially since he wants a sedan instead of a 4x4. the nightmares,they are different now. Instead of seeing the truck coming towards usthen the air bags and the cracked window, now i see the tray of thetruck go straight into him. I don't want him to die i love him toomuch. He just doesn't seem to understand my problem with having asedan. I just get told to stop thinking of the what ifs, even mumdoesn't understand my problem :(

so we are finally engaged :D i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. even if he is exactly like my father lol he still treats me right and makes me happy

what a way to start the weekend. fracturing my elbow
it was so fucking scary. and cant seem to get it out of my head. all i see is that fucking truck and then the cracked windshield. everything before the accident is kind of a blur. but im just glad that noone was hurt more seriously.
it has made me realise just how much i love him. just the thought of losing him makes the tears come. and i think has made me more ready to get engaged. i couldnt see myself without him

he's kinda goofy lookin but i love him
( New lil friend )

I really really want Lana to move out soon. i know it wont happen, but its worth hoping. She has started to return to her old ways, especially since Mum and Dad have been gone.
Wednesday she had some bloke around (apparently i said he could come over) but when i got up for work he was still here, so i was a bit pissed about that. Then on Friday she spent all day on the comp chatting to random guys then once charlie was home she sat outside on the phone all evening. She then asked me if i would look after charlie while she went for a "drive". we got into a big fight over it and i couldnt get to sleep because i was worried she would have some random over or leave and not be back before i went to work on saturday. She is really getting on my nerves and its stressing me out.
Work has it pros and its cons at the moment.
Pro: I get my new 38hr contract next week
Con: New apprentice starts 2moro (i suppose thats also a pro cos it means no more baking shifts)
Pro: New manager is fucking awesome. i dont want him to leave
Con: We are getting heaps busy now, beacuse Southlands has closed. We have doubled our production in 3 weeks. it gets really hectic and sometimes it feels like we're fighting a lost cause. but on the upside Al doesnt care if i do overtime because sales are so high.

I saw someone from my past the other day and all i gotta say I see you as you are, I see you're transparent. We aren't friends anymore so there is no need to be so fucking fake.

Dante and i have started planning our Holiday in August. Hopefully while we are up in QLD we can hang out with Shane :D

It's been 6 months today and i can gladly say that these have been the best 6 months of my entire life. Without you i am only half a person. you complete me.

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's

So long bitch. Please, let the door hit you on your way out. i pray to god it knocks you out

So ive been meaning to update for a few days but havent had time to yet.
Last year, alot of things in my life changed. at the time i didnt think they were for the good, but now i see that indeed they were. As someone said to me the other day, some things just needed to happen last year. I saw the true colours of those who were close to me. and i can now say that i am glad those relationships have ended. and at the end of this month another one will be finished for good.
Things with work are about to get better. As nearly eveyone in the department is leaving, so yay for more hrs :D
Dante is an asshole and he owns it lol. its really creepy how similar him and my dad are. but things are going really great and im so glad that i met him. and i cant wait to see where things go.
2008 was a year of new things for me.
this was my first bday, xmas and new years with a boyfriend


5 things i want to say to 5 different people.

1. You's say that i have changed, but Darl you've turned into a right bitch and im not the only one who thinks it. I'll be glad when this month is up and i dont have to pretend anymore.
2. I'm so gratefull to have you in my life. You are the older brother that i always wanted. Well you're kinda my sister too lol. RICE BOOBIES FOR EVERYONE!!!! I love you!
3. You may be an ass but you're a sweetheart and you treat me well. Without you i'd probably be down in the dumps all the time. you keep my smiling
4. I still dont know exactly what i did to you. I understand that you didn't, and most probably never will, have the guts to talk to me and tell me what happened. But im slowly forgetting it all.
5.You are my Princess and I love you. Even though we dont see each other that often, you are always in my heart.


I think that this past year has seen me grow up while the people stood still or in some cases went backwards and became children.

So long 2008!!!

So today was quite a fun day at work. Nessie decided to go a bit crazy when doing the production sheets, so there was a shit load of stuff to pack.
In conversation with people today I realised that im not the only one thinking a certain person has become quite a selfish bitch lately. It made me feel a bit better to know its not just me.

Work xmas party tonight should be fun. Not gonna get too smashed tho. Don't need them seeing me like that.

Last thing. Its good to have Allison back. She sounds so posh. Hopefully she`ll make working on checkouts less boring :D

ive been meaning to post on here for a few days, but have been a tad busy.


So i finally got closure the other day. and i gotta say it is a tad petty. if you had been feeling that since the start of the year, then why not say something

Thank you.
Without you in my life i would've never become the person i am today. You may not like them, but i sure as hell do. At this point in my life i am the most confident and happy i can remember ever being. There will always be part of my brain thats thinking of you. especially when certain songs come on.

Please tell your mum i love her and that she is the most adorable and kind hearted person i think i have ever met. If there were more people like her the world would be a better place.

The other day when Dante and i were driving round, he kept playing this one song over and over again and i cant seem to get it out of my head.
It made me realise that im not as alone as i thought.
I was blinded by everything that was going on and retreated into my shell. I didn't think of anyone one else except for those closest to me, But now i realise that some of them have been right there since before i got cut out.
As things started going sour, he was there with me. He was there when "the coward" got emo and dogged me, without even bothering to say "hey im not gonna meet you, shits happened". And he was there when "the coward" was an asshole to me when i left his party. And most of all he was at my bday party.
Then there are those who were there long before "the coward" came along.
Yeah they may be annoying, but they love me for who i am no matter how much i change. cos thats what true friends do.

One ballon popped, instead of being untied. The other one is starting to come loose. And the other ones, that have always been there just not as tight as the others, are now being strengthened again.

That's just like him
To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching
For any sign of the ones he used to love

She's just like him
Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies shes been fed
Shes searching for no one (but herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy that she is her

Your not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

Your not alone
Your not, your not alone

I think these are the last lyrics that im gonna post on my LJ. Cause every time i post lyrics that mean nothing, there is some know-it-all asshole out there who has no life, that feels it necessary, to make comments about it. And when i post lyrics that do actuall describe how i feel nobody comments, even back when i was in that particular group, nobody ever said anything.

They're turning away from me
Backstabbing places they roam
My friends are just neighbors
That steal from me when I'm not home
I am so damn trusting I do not see their malice
In this blackened wonderland I am the darkened Alice
Sometimes I can't fathom why everyone's so two faced
So I'll just backstab them back to get them back in their place
I'm the ball, they're batters
They're climbing social ladders
I'm left at the bottom
On my goodness
they're fatter
Sometimes I remember the days when friends were loyal
Instead they backstab me
I'm falling down so royally
All my friends are enemies
And they just turn their backs to my face
their actions biting me
And all my friends are enemies
So I'm always on my own
I'm always on my own
Always on my own

I feel as though i need to update, but i have all these thoughts and words floating around in my head and i dont know how to get it all out.

on the Dante front things are going well. he came over today and we went shopping. he bought me a few cds from jb even though i had more money than him. and then he decided to go and buy a foozball table. i cant believe how cheap it was.

Coffee today was exactly what i needed, i think. It was good to have a vent to someone who will actually listen, since i cant really talk to the people i usually talk to.
The past few weeks have been quite frustrating, to say the least, but i think im over it now. As i was saying to Mel today, I dont know if i wanna find out the answer anymore, cos it not really gonna change anything. And honestly its really not worth it.
Mel and i were talking about people changing and i realised that, if this happened because i changed then they werent really my friends in the first place cos honestly i have changed a whole lot more since mel and i became friends and she was still sitting there next to me thinking of how awesome i am (her words not mine lol).

All i need is a good night out with people who will help me have a good time and not get emo on my ass, which nearly always seemed to happen. 5 days til im out there partying my ass off =D

Soundwave is gonna be fucking awesome. Madina Lake, From First to Last, Alkaline Trio and NIN WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

There are things that used to make me smile. One of them was you for just a little while. You left me for dead so far away. I replaced you with fear and shame. You'll be happy on the day I die.

Remember when I said I love you. Well, forget it I take it back. I was just a stupid kid back then, I take back every word that I said.

I was hoping for closure today, but all i got was the silent treatment.
I've been picking my brain trying to figure out what i did that is so bad. The only thing that comes to mind is a really petty reason to end it all.
Was it because i ditched the optional after party, so i could go out somewhere that i felt comfortable? Or was it who i left with? So please tell me, if its not that, what is it i did?
Looking back on that night, you chose a really fitting theme. Pity you weren't wearing a lion outfit.
I gotta say though, nothing had been alright for a while. It felt, to me anyways, that something had gone askew for a few weeks atleast.
Panic night seemed to get the massive emo ball rolling. You were very distant all evening and when i asked what was wrong, all i got was nothing. Later that night we had arranged to meet up, but i found out off someone else that you were already on a train home. Very decent of you there. It was our first night out together in ages and you ditched it and wouldn't even tell me why. When i spoke to other people, about it, all i got was "It's not my place to say". Do you know what that feels like? Knowing there is something bothering your closest friend but they would rather confide in someone else than in you. (No. You wouldn't, cos i told you everything. Even when things concerning you were bothering me, i still talked to you about them.)
The party night started off a bit meh. Being treated like Marcy Ross isnt all that fun and not really a great way to start the evening. The train ride there just made the night even better. In the middle of a conversation with someone and they randomly turn away and start ignoring what im saying...makes me feel loved. The party itself was fun. You sister is an awesome chicky, you mum is adorable and i love her to bits and your sis's bf is a sweetheart. I asked a couple of people if they'd come out after the after party but got turned down. It was cool though. i had decided i could just go alone. i'd done it before, why couldnt i do it again. During a conversation with another party-goer, he randomly brought up someone and how he didnt know why they even bothered coming. i just thought he was being bitter towards someone different, but when i realised who he was talking about i got a bit pissy. i decided to go and chat to this person. (not about what was said, but that did come up) we are friends and hadnt spoken in a while so i thought we'd catch up. when the after party was brought up he mentioned that he didnt want to go to the previously decided venue, but wanted to go to oxford street with his other friend. i wasnt gonna pass up the opotuntity so i asked if i could tag along. they were more than fine with that. a little while later they wanted to leave so i came to say goodbye. i asked for a hug and all i got in return was "i dont wanna hug you" and you turned around and walked off. your sis's bf asked if i wanted a hug off him instead, but i delined saying it wasnt the same, but thanks anyways. i went and had a cry to a few people cos i was shocked at how you acted. We left and things were ok, but i was quite emo. This is where my night picked up. The two that i left with are funny as fuck and even though we didnt really see each other after we got there they still made me feel better and i dont know how i can thank them for that. It was quite strange to have my randoms acting more like friends than my actully friends were that evening. I always say it for different reasons, but now im saying because i really do. FUCK I LOVE MY RANDOMS! They are the beautifulesy bunch of people i have met in quite a while and my nights out wouldnt be the same without them. One in particular always knows how to make me smile and laugh cos he is so crazy and adorable when he is wasted. which happens to be everytime i see him.
So now ive gotten that all of my chest, what is left to do? Nothing i guess. You are too much of a coward to talk to me and sort things out. I tried to do what i thought was best. after the party i decided to give you space and time, cos when something goes wrong you always say you just want time and space, so that it what i gave you. After a few weeks with no laptop and never visiting lj i find out that you had shut the door on me when i wasnt even standing there. then say that i am trying to crawl back because of a few msgs i sent before i found out that you had shut me out. see now, if you had've just told me that we werent friends anymore then it wouldnt have seemed like i was trying to crawl back. All i want now is closure (to get that i need to know what i did), but i aint gonna get unless you man up and grow a pair.

I don't know why I want to stop myself from feeling low.
I don't know why I even try.
I can't be that way when my life looks this grey so I let go.
I've got to leave it alone this time or I'll wallow in my mind.

I dont mind if you forget me. having learned my lesson I never left an impression on anyone.
So now you send me nothing when once youd send me love
The pressure to change, to move on was strange and very strong
I really do understand
I dont mind if you forget me
No no no no no no no
You can only be strong for so long. It may not eat you but it will beat you
So this is why I tell you I really dont understand. This time.
Rejection is one thing
But rejection from you
Is cruel
And I dont mind if you forget me

the other day my horoscope said something about a rollercoaster and how what goes up must come down. well that was last night. i got right to the top. the best part. then the speedy desent, where i suddenly stop, but everyone else keeps going and im pushed to the side left to wallow in self hatred once more.
ive realised that its not only straight men that are selfish assholes. its all men, and even your closest friend. who isnt even a male.
I HATE PEOPLE!!!!! people in general are fucked in the head. i think that they just dont know how much shit like that hurts. emotionally, mentally AND physically!